Lucky and unlucky.

So all my friends have young parents while mine are over 50.
Honestly I was never really bothered by it but seeing how independent I’m trying to be, I am now. We tend to lose sight that everyday we grow unnoticed and don’t see the little changes until we actually pay close attention. My dad has always been and still is physically strong, in my eyes, but getting mentally tired. My mom has always been fragile. My parents’ health right now have been up and down. They’ve been getting sick too often now and getting more tired by the day. Their getting older while I am as well.
It scares me, how one day one of them might just suddenly become weak one day, sooner or later. I don’t want to see them fall apart day by day in front of my eyes. How one day, God forbid, that they will leave too early in my life. I’m scared and I know I’ll break down and shut the world out for awhile.
I’m lucky to still have them around and unlucky that I could lose them anyday, any time.

I’m doing perfectly fine without you but I just want you to know that I still watch over you. I was never close to you but you grew close to my heart and I started to genuinely grow this care for you, you that has touched my life in the smallest, simplest ways. No matter what, I worry about your safety. No matter what, I will never want to see you break down or fall apart. I will surround you with the beauty that I see in you.

If it was just that easy to be right next to you. Right next to you to talk,  to share a moment together. To be able to face you and actually talk our thoughts together. Hearing the words from your mouth, seeing how careful your lips move as you speak. Heartfelt moments all night and laughing at how silly we’re being. Sip after sip as time passes, our heads start spinning but our eyes just looking at each other. Nothing clear but you, everything else seems to blur.

Our hands just playing with each others, running your fingers up my arms to my shoulders. I watch your fingers trace every vein visible on my arm. Tingles I get from your finger tips and a curve forms on your lip. You know I am so relaxed and I am vulnerable. You move yourself closer and lay us down together. Pull the covers up and continue to let your hands travel. You kiss the back of my neck down to my shoulder. My heart races as my eyes feel heavy and you whisper “sweet dreams” in my ear.

How easy it would be for me to fall asleep, if it was just that easy to be right next to you.

Dear Yosua,

I miss you cutie. I remember I found you those nights I couldn’t sleep and needed company. I found you or should I say you found me. Message after message, I never left my phone. Talking to you when I woke up and when I went to bed, I was a happy camper. I found such a great friend to talk to whatever time of day. While I was going on with my day, you would be sleeping. While you were going on with your day, I was either just up at night or just sleeping soundly. Soon enough, I slept normally. Leaving you good morning messages to wake up to and good night messages to sleep to. You did the same for me and it felt comforting and made it easier for me to go to sleep or get through the day. How amazing it was to have your company, to have it across the waves and land between us.

You’re great, a good friend.

Love, Jasmine

I need to improve my cardio.

A mile for 20 minutes needs to shorten. Munching on some carrots right now, I love me some baby carrots.

When I move out, I’ll get me a puppy and s/he will forever be my company.
When I move out, I’ll get me a motorcycle and be a bad ass on the road.
When I move out, I’ll take a lot of late night walks.
When I move out, I’ll be able to have a bunch of pillows around me to sleep with.
When I move out, I’ll have a balcony with a great view to drink coffee.
When I move out, I’ll finally know I’m free.

I wonder how things would be if one of my sisters or my brother weren’t born. I wonder how different life would be if my miscarried brother was born.
Nothing would be the same, nothing I would change but I sometimes wish that brother I never had was born.
My mom is such a strong, independent person. She has the funniest personality and even the most annoying. No person can ever mess with her as long as I’m still alive and her least favorite. I don’t care, nothing can replace a mother’s love.
Happy Mothers Day.

Forgive me for being curious, paranoid or whatever but I think you have a crush on me.

Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. I looked at you for awhile. I wondered how you are outside of school. School has boundaries, keeping you in a cage. So what do you do when you’re out there being free? You have a job, you smoke, your one bro you hang with a lot. That’s all I know you do. Do you act tough 24/7 so no one messes with you? Do you still have that sense of humor? I really have no clue. But I started imagining, you in a relationship. Hard to imagine I’ll tell you that. I don’t even know what came to mind and now, I can’t imagine it. Maybe it’s a love-hate thing − aruguments, yelling, screams, angry sex but not being able to leave each other. Both knowing you can’t live without all those crazy emotions.

What if you do have a crush on me? We’re from total opposite worlds. The only same thing we have is not giving a fuck. But a fuck would matter from different worlds.

I kept looking at you in Chem, you kept looking at me in gym. I remember when it was just both of us in the staircase, with you laying your head on my lap… We’re comfortable around each other, really comfortable.

I swear my imagination and curiosity kills me.

When I wake up, your name is the first that comes to mind. Before I fall asleep, I wonder if you’re laying on yours.

Even if we hardly or don’t talk anymore, I still think of you at the most random times. I’m starting to forget our conversations day by day as we don’t have time to talk anymore. You’re everything good I suddenly had for a short amount of time. You were nice, entertaining, mysterious, and everything good in the book that I can describe you as but not think of right now.

I don’t want to forget, please don’t. Come back to me and don’t get go so far. You’re hanging on the rope when it’s hard for me to pull you back up, back to me. Don’t forget, don’t go far, don’t let go.

Hibakusha

Hibakusha are people who survived the Japanese atomic bomb in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, August of 1945.

Today, two hibakushas visited my school today and we had a special assembly for them. They were there to share their experiences and stories of what happened. I really appreciated and learned hearing their past. It must’ve been scary experiencing that and actually sharing it around the world. It was amazing seeing those two survivors in front of me today. Them still living, with the radiation inside of their bodies, looking like their healthy was a blessing. But I said looking, they still have the radiation inside of them, so internally they’re still in danger. It was really an honor having them because not a lot of people survived the bombing and aren’t comfortable sharing that big part of history.

It was kind of sad though, how disrespectful my school was. I’m not racist or anything but being the only Asians in the school and seeing how my people in my school reacted was SAD. I was ashamed that they were saying disrespectful stuff, not paying attention, getting up to leave, slouching and just not giving them their undivided attention. My friend, my actual friend, had the nerve to say kamikaze. Like are you serious? Respect them for Christ sakes. He disrespected me as well. I was annoyed by everyone around me. If you’re bored just sit there and pretend youre listening at least. It just so damn sad how they didn’t even bother thinking about how much they suffered. Have some respect. I seriously pissed off and kept saying in my head “I can’t wait to graduate.”

I give props to those who spoke their opinions. Some kid actually congratulated them for surviving and still living today, he got my respect. They also gave our school a few gifts. A book of some sort, oragami paper, and a big thing of 1000 paper cranes made by Japanese students meaning that a wish will be granted.

Thank you for coming.

I need to learn how to let go of things. I usually hold on too much or for too long, hoping for a better chance. I don’t let go until it rips me into pieces. Maybe that’s why I am the way I am. I don’t get angry at them, I get angry at myself knowing the outcome but not wanting to believe it. I always blame it on myself for not being able to push things out the way. It makes sense now, that it’s hard for me to let go.

I have to let things go and accept what has happened.

I feel like no one will ever understand or handle me. No one will be able to put up with how bittersweet I am.

I’m a ticking time bomb, with these negative surroundings. People just don’t get how much I put my feelings and thoughts aside just to not cause any problems. I hate drama, I don’t like people who bring or attract drama. I don’t like people and I don’t like when people don’t care about other peoples feelings.

I can’t wait for the day my parents let a guy be able to sleep in bed with me, just to sleep, or let me go to his place to sleep. I think the day I will have that person, I’ll always need them next to me when I sleep.

I sleep with four pillows. Two for my head and two for my body. One of the ones for my body is for my upper body and the other one is for my legs. I’ll need to have a pillow between my legs and another for my arms to wrap around or have my head slightly rest on it. If not like that, it should be against my back. My two body pillow agaisnt my back from my back to behind my legs. I can’t fall asleep if I’m not like that or it takes me awhile.

Weird right? I know. Mannn… talk about alone and lonelyyyy hah. I want a cuddle buddy or a nap buddy, just someone to fall asleep with.

Just a ramble in the middle of the night.

My body and I have been cooperating with each other. I listen, pay attention and take care of myself more. I feel better, and feel physically great everyday. If my body needs a rest, I rest. If I know I can push myself, I push myself. I don’t know why but I think its helping me remember my dreams… or it’s also that I’m finally taking charge of my future.

My dreams have been odd…. I have no idea what they mean. I’ve been remembering mine since last week, little parts. Their really weird. I think its< just things I worry about and some I don’t need. Weed, full table of bread to eat, and basketball. Weird. The bread one felt so real. The basketball one really hurt my heart. All the Knicks players started getting injured right after another, clutching on their knees. When Melo got “injured” I woke up and found my hands under my shirt, a fist by my chest. Weird.

My body is telling me to go back to sleep. Bye

-_______-

The NBA gets me so stressed.